What to Do If My Friend Needs Help
If someone you know within the Gonzaga University Community has experienced sexual misconduct, dating violence, domestic violence or stalking we can help you help them. Sometimes the most valuable advice comes from someone the individual already trusts. Whether you're a friend, roommate, colleague, parent, or concerned member of our faculty or staff, we can point you to resources that you can share, as well as provide support for you through the process.
Listen
Confirm the person's safety. Ask them, "Are you safe right now?" If they say no, help them get to a safe place. Call Campus Security at 509-313-2222 or 911 if necessary. The Title IX Office or Campus Security and Public Safety can assist anyone on campus without the need to initiate a criminal investigation.
Let them know you believe them, and affirm they made a good decision in seeking support. Avoid pressuring to making decisions for them on how to proceed. Present options and let them choose what feels best for them. Give them time to make a decision.
Ask, future, support orientated questions like “what you need right now”, “how can I help.”
Provide nonjudgmental support. Your role is not to determine whether or not something occurred, or the pathway they choose to moving forward or moving on. Your primary responsibility is to remain supportive of your loved one, while referring the person to others who are trained in providing assistance and/or intervening.
Remember, They may not feel comfortable talking about the matter, but let your friend know you will listen.
Refer
- Help the person get medical care if needed.
- Help the person consider whether to make a report with the police or with the University.
- Direct the person to on-campus or off-campus confidential counseling and advocacy resources.
- Let the person know they can contact the Title IX Coordinator (509-313-6910 or titleix@gonzaga.edu) to request protective measures and accommodations such as no-contact directives, housing relocation, adjustment of schedules, time off, etc.
- Get educated on the issue of sexual misconduct. The information on this Website can answer some of the questions you may have.
- Familiarize yourself with the Title IX Sexual Misconduct Policy and the Harassment and Non Discrimination Policy.
Remember, being a good friend does NOT mean:
- Making a judgement on what did or did not happen. You can help your friend without making a judgment as to whether or not an act of sexual misconduct occurred. Determining if a crime or policy violation took place is the responsibility of the legal system and/or campus administrators after a fair, neutral process. Snap judgments or trial by social media may degrade the integrity of the process.
- Telling your friend what to do. Let them take the lead on any decision making including whether or not to report, to seek support, or to resolve the matter the way that works best for them. Ask them what they want to do...listen...respect their wishes.
- Telling others about what might have happened and violating their confidentiality and trust. It is their story and they get to choose who to tell about the situation, not you.
- Taking action against your friend or person accused. Violence or retaliation is not the answer to helping your friend. Remember, harassing and threatening behaviors are not helpful and could undermine any court or university proceeding taking place. It could also jeopardize your own standing at the university.
- Taking to social media to dox or call out the other person. This can actually discourage others who may be thinking about reporting their own trauma from coming forward and getting support out of fear their story will be made public when they don't want it to be.
What to Do If My Friend is a Respondent
If a friend or someone you know is reported to have committed act(s) of sexual misconduct, it is likely that you have questions and may be struggling to understand what has happened. You may be experiencing a range of emotions such as helplessness, anger, confusion or betrayal. If your friend has told you that they have been reported to have committed act(s) of sexual violence, they may be turning to you for help and support. You may be unsure how to respond to your friend or the situation.
Here are a few ways you can help your friend through this experience:
- Direct your friend to resources. The Title IX Office can and will help a Respondent understand their rights, resources and what may happen next. Helping your friend access these resources is a step you can take to provide support in what may be a confusing and emotional time for both of you.
- Recommend that your friend seek counseling services to deal with their emotions. It may also be helpful for you to seek counseling to help you process any emotions and trauma you may be experiencing as a result of the situation.
- Get educated on the issue of sexual misconduct. The information on this Website can answer some of the questions you may have.
- If able, be available to listen in a non-judgmental manner. They may not feel comfortable talking about the matter, but let your friend know you will listen.
- Familiarize yourself with the Title IX Sexual Misconduct Policy and the Harassment and Discrimination Policy.
Remember, being a good friend does NOT mean:
- Approving of your friend’s actions and/or choices. You can help your friend without making a judgment as to whether or not an act of sexual misconduct occurred. Determining if a crime or policy violation took place is the responsibility of the legal system and/or campus administrators.
- Telling your friend what to do.
- Blaming the student who has brought the complaint.
- Telling others about what might have happened and violating their confidentiality and trust.